


We Carry on our Backs the Burden Time Always Reveals

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Drama, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-28
Updated: 2016-01-28
Packaged: 2018-05-16 18:44:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5836594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I can't be what they accused me of being; what they beat me up for being.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Carry on our Backs the Burden Time Always Reveals

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place in the Losing a Whole Year high school alternate universe.

“Rafael, cariño, come and get the telephone.” 

“I don’t want to talk to anyone.” He pulled the covers over his head. “Just tell them I'm asleep.” He wanted to say to tell them that he was dead but didn’t want to upset his mother. She'd been through enough already.

“This boy Trevor has called three times today and once yesterday.” Lucia said. “He says he is your friend at school. He sounds really concerned.”

“Please mami. Please.” Rafael tried to swallow the lump in his throat. It didn’t help and now his chest was burning. Fuck it, why fight the inevitable. It would only be the third or fourth time that he cried today. “I don’t want to talk to anyone.”

Lucia’s heart broke for her son. Rafael was a good boy and he didn’t deserve this. He was different, she tried to tell herself a million times that he wasn’t but he was. Lucia had worked with children since she was 15 years old and didn’t even know how to reach her own son. 

Sighing, she walked out of the room and back to the phone. This young man Trevor wasn’t familiar to her but if he went to school with Rafael then he had to know what was going on. She would lie to him, again, and try to salvage what was left of a long evening. With Eduardo working third shift now at least she could do it in peace.

He hadn’t been thrilled that day, having to go down to Manhattan and St. Anne’s school at 12:15. He’d only gotten in from work and into bed at 9 a.m. He was sleep deprived, pissed, and not in the mood to kow-kow to the white principal in the expensive suit. Lucia’s hope that she would do all of the talking and handle the situation quickly and quietly were dashed pretty quickly.

“My boy is here only on a partial scholarship!” Eduardo Barba exclaimed. “Money comes out of my pocket, out of the mouths of his siblings, for this fancy education. He could've stayed in South Bronx to get his ass kicked.”

“Eduardo, calm down.” Lucia put her hand on her husband’s shoulder.

“I won't! Well-dressed white hoodlums did this to my son. They call us animals when they always do this. And to call him that disgusting word…unacceptable!”

Rafael closed his eyes, trying to wish himself away. He'd heard his father use the word so many times in his life. It was one of the few cruel things that wasn’t hurled directly at him. To come in here now and play concerned father of the year was comical. Rafael almost laughed to keep from sobbing.

“The boys involved will receive two weeks suspension.” Dodds said. “St. Anne’s has a zero tolerance policy for fighting and harassment of students.”

“If you would've suspended them two days ago after the first incident then they wouldn’t have beaten my son today.” Lucia said.

“That would've been impossible, Mrs. Barba. We had no idea who scrawled the offensive word on Rafael’s locker. He didn’t tell us.”

“I didn’t know!” he exclaimed, holding back the pain he was feeling as the anger rose in him. 

There was no way he was taking the blame for his own beat down. While he had a pretty good idea who had done it, there was no proof. For some reason, Gary and Bobby Aschler had been harassing him for weeks. There were about 155 seniors at St. Anne’s. Some were cool, some were forgettable, and some made life a living hell. 

Even though Gary was a junior, he was as big as his brother and they were definitely bullies. They decided Rafael was a homosexual, with no real reasoning, and that was the end of it. He had gym with Bobby, which he already loathed, and study hall with Gary. Together or apart, the abuse was still the same. The days had become unbearable. 

No one could explain why the harassment started but it was swift and unrelenting. The only person he had the balls to share it with was Rita, but he made her swear not to tell anyone. All of his friends, and especially Trevor, noticed how quiet and distant he'd become. The slur on his locker alerted the entire school to what was happening. It was part of the grapevine now.

“So all of this just came out of the blue?” Dodds asked in that smug ass tone of his. “One day they didn’t even know you and the next day this?”

“You're really blaming this on me?” Rafael asked. “I would laugh but I think my ribs are cracked so it’s not the best idea.”

“We’re taking Rafael to the emergency room.” Lucia stood and made her son do the same. 

It wasn’t easy. Something was definitely wrong with his ribs. His face felt like grilled hamburger and his head was pounding. Walking out of the principal’s office and having other students seeing him was a low point. Some of them were snickering. With others, the sympathy was written all over their face. Then the voice of his father invaded his world. It made Rafael’s blood run cold.

“You ever let some white boy do that to you again, and I will fuckin kill you.” Eduardo said lowly through clenched teeth. “Do you hear me, boy?”

“Go and warm up the car.” Lucia gave her husband the evil eye. She helped Rafael into his coat but didn’t excuse his father’s behavior. She never did…sometimes Rafael hated her as much as him.

“Rafi!” Trevor rushed into the office. He'd just heard from Rita, a doctor’s appointment gave him a late excuse. “Oh my God.”

Now the tears filled Rafael’s eyes. He couldn’t look at him, had to get out of there. Practically snatching his backpack from his mother, he turned and rushed off in the other direction. He would do his best to hide his tears from his parents, especially his father. He wasn’t crying for any reason they thought he might be. They didn’t deserve to be privy to his raw emotions.

***

It was after midnight and Rafael still couldn’t sleep. Tossing and turning was painful even almost three days after the fight so he didn’t plan to do that. For a while he stared at the ceiling, tried to count sheep or constellations from memory but he knew that sleep wouldn’t rescue him. Sighing, and then mad because it hurt, Rafael threw the covers off and got out of bed. The house was quiet as he crept down the hall, walked through the living room, small dining room, and into the kitchen. He wasn’t going to be able to stand for long so he pulled up a dining room chair over before taking the phone from the wall and dialing the number by heart.

“Hello.” Trevor answered the phone quickly. He'd been roused from sleep and his voice betrayed that. “Hello?”

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“I'm just calling to let you know I’ll be back at school on Monday but I can't ever see you again.”

“What do you mean? Rafi, you don’t mean that.”

“I can't be what they accused me of being; what they beat me up for being.”

“And you think breaking up with me solves that?” Trevor asked.

“I like girls too so I’ll just get a girlfriend or I’ll be by myself. Don’t call my house anymore or talk to me at school. It’s for the best.”

“It’s not the best for me and I don’t think it’s the best for you either. A lot has happened, Rafael; you're not thinking clearly.”

“I'm thinking fine. Don’t tell me what I'm think, you have no idea.”

“So you lied to me, when you said you loved me?” Trevor asked. He was so angry but it was hard to feel that way towards Rafael. None of this was right, it was all a bad dream. A feeling of sadness overwhelmed him more than anything else. “I guess it wasn’t too hard since I was sucking your cock at the time.”

“What I feel doesn’t even matter. I just have to be normal, Trevor. You’ve got to understand that.”

“We can't even be friends? I need to be your friend. We care about each other.”

“I gotta go. I don’t wanna get caught on the phone. Things are bad enough already.”

“Rafael.” Trevor’s voice trembled. “Rafael, don’t you do this and just hang up. Rafael?”

“I'm sorry. I've never, ever lied to you. Bye.”

He put the phone back on the wall with trembling hands. It took a moment or two, but the floodgates finally opened. Rafael put his hands over his face and screamed. He let out the most agonizing wail, again and again. That was followed by painful sobs that wracked his body and soul. It hurt so bad that he was sure dying would be less painful. He didn’t even know how much time had gone by when it was over.

“It’s too late for you to be out of bed.”

Rafael looked up when he heard his mother’s voice. He was sure that his eyes were red and puffy, his nose running, and his face tearstained. He probably looked like fresh hell. There was nothing he could do about that; Rafael didn’t have the strength to pretend it was OK anymore.

“I'm going now.” He wiped his nose with the back of his hand. Standing, Rafael moved the chair back to the table, and said goodnight to his mother. She didn’t reach for him or even say goodnight. Something in the pit of his stomach told him that she knew his secret and hated him for it.

Once Lucia heard the bedroom door close, she walked over to the phone and dialed *69. Eduardo always complained that the service was a waste of money but she wanted to keep track of who called their house or who they called. Lucia didn’t want any shenanigans.

“Rafael?” Trevor quickly picked up the phone. He sounded breathless. “Rafi, just talk to me. I know we can work this out if we really talk to each other. I know you never lied; I love you too.”

Lucia quickly hung up the phone. She recognized the voice of the boy she only knew as Trevor. He called three times today, once yesterday, and seemed to want to talk to Rafael a couple of days ago at the principal’s office. Her stomach turned sour when she heard the words ‘I love you too’. The tenderness in his voice was unmistakable. What had Rafael never lied to him about since he'd been lying to his mother all his life? 

He was being homosexual with a rich white boy from Manhattan. Maybe the boy had hurt him, like what happened in prisons. But why would Rafael love someone who hurt him? Those boys who beat him, they said he was a homosexual and knew it to be true. Had he done something dirty with them as well? 

Lucia took a deep breath, holding back the urge to vomit. This couldn’t be happening. What were they going to do? Finding out all of this was true would cause Eduardo to kill Rafael. She was well aware he could probably do it with his bare hands. 

For her son’s safety she had to keep it to herself. Except that the kids at school already knew it. Surely this Trevor boy who loved him knew. No, she had to stop thinking about it. Rafael couldn’t be a deviant. 

He was different but not that kind of different. Lucia would forget about it and it would just go away. There were surely other things that could keep her mind occupied. Rafael was different but he wasn’t one of those people. He was her son and she would make sure he was safe.

***

“Hey Trevor!” Casey smiled as she looked up from her homework.

Trevor walked into the coffee shop where Rafael was hanging out with Olivia and Casey. It had been three days since he'd returned to school; most of the gossip had trickled down to a whisper. Trevor had done his best to stay away from him just like he asked. It was incredibly difficult but he managed. Until that afternoon. He had to talk to Rafael and nothing was going to stop him.

“Hey guys. I really need to talk to Rafael alone, if you don’t mind.”

Casey was cool with it but Liv wasn’t sure. She knew that Rafael had broken up with Trevor, she also knew it was for all the wrong reasons. No matter what though she was going to support her friend. She knew what it was like to be attacked, how isolating and painful it was for long after. If Rafael wasn’t going to lean on Trevor then she would make sure that she was there. Looking at Rafael for confirmation, the teen nodded. Liv looked back at Trevor again.

“It’s cool with me.” She started putting her school books away. “I’ll see you later, Barba.”

“OK.”

“Bye Rafael.” Casey waved as they walked away from the table and out the door.

“Can I sit down?” Trevor asked.

“Sure.” Rafael nodded. His coffee was lukewarm but he would drink it anyway. He had to occupy himself somehow.

“I don’t even know how you're doing. I tried to ask Rita but she acted like saying anything about it was a betrayal of your trust. I know she's a good friend but I wanted to kill her.”

“I'm OK. My ribs are still fucked, they were bruised not cracked or broken. Deep breaths kinda suck right now and laughing is out. Not that much is funny right now.”

“What happened to you makes me so angry.” Trevor slipped his hand over Rafael’s on the table. He was glad he didn’t move away. “I just wanted to hold you so tight and I couldn’t.”

“I'm OK.” Rafael repeated.

“I need to let you know that I don’t accept anything that you said last week. I hear you, and I respect you so much, you know that, but I love you and don’t want to let you go.”

“We’re just teenagers…we don’t have to turn it into Romeo and Juliet. I'm sure that both of us can find something else to occupy our minds.”

“Don’t insult me or my feelings, Rafael Barba. You can feel what you feel and I can feel what I feel. I love you. I want to be with you. I will have your back and always be your friend. Don’t shut me out.”

Rafael never saw any of this coming. He had moments when his mouth got him into trouble; that wasn’t anything new. But the idea that someone thought he was gay and beat him up because of it boggled his mind. He thought he did a pretty good job of keeping a low profile. Though he and Trevor were friends, they never got affectionate at school. 

Casey was his close female friend and she had no problem helping him be straight. It seemed so strange that anyone would pick on him out of nowhere. Bobby and Gary were jerks and bullies but Rafael never remembered them beating anyone like what happened to him. Why was he the focus of their fury? 

How was he going to be able to just walk around like it didn’t happen when he didn’t even know why? At least the majority of students felt bad for him…it had been years since he'd crossed anyone at St. Anne’s. Rafael Barba was a regular kid and if it could happen to him than anyone was in danger. So no one was being an ass about it. This was an unprecedented thing.

“I don’t want anyone to hurt you, OK?” Rafael took his hand away. “If something happened to you because of me, because of us…”

“Those assholes didn’t beat you up because they thought you were gay.” Trevor said. “They beat you up because they were assholes. They always have been and it’s never going to change. They needed an excuse so they found one. I wish more than anything I could go back and stop it from happening.”

“Where could we possibly go from here?” 

“Should I give you a real answer or the cheeky one?” Trevor asked.

“The cheeky one, definitely.” 

Rafael hadn’t had anything to smile about in weeks. His misery was evident to all of those around him and didn’t seem to be getting any better. Not even Liv could make him laugh. Maybe Trevor could. If only.

“I was gonna say to my house. I promise, no funny business Rafael, I just wanna put my arms around you. It feels like forever since I have.”

“Friends who cuddle?” Rafael raised an eyebrow.

“I can bake you cookies.”

“What kind of cookies?”

Rafael’s hand was back on the tabletop. He stretched his fingers out, just enough to almost touch Trevor. The ache in him was palpable. Never had he wanted something and not wanted it so much at the same time. No, he only wanted it. Not for one moment had he ever stopped wanting Trevor. The only thing he didn’t want was to be scared anymore or to have Trevor get hurt.

“Snickerdoodle.” Trevor replied.

“You lie!”

“It’s totally true.” He smiled. “My Aunt makes the dough; she sent us a whole small bucket. It might be shameless but I'm not above bribing you at the moment.”

“I love you.” Rafael mouthed. He took hold of Trevor’s hand and never wanted to let go.

“Me too, Rafi.”

“And I would love to have some cookies.”

Trevor nodded. He could tell from the way Rafael was holding on that this was about more than snickerdoodles. He wasn’t going to push, of course what happened to him had been traumatic. It wasn’t something he, or the people who cared about him, would just be able to shake off. 

They would all need time. Trevor just wanted to make sure he could spend that time with Rafael. After all the crap that went down, the last thing he needed was to feel isolated and alone. There was someone who loved him and would do everything in his power to make him feel better.

“Any cuddling would be incidental.” Trevor said.

“Absolutely.” Rafael nodded. “I intend to work hard to keep my hands to myself.”

“In all honesty, I don’t.”

Without caring what anyone thought, Rafael and Trevor walked out of the coffee shop holding hands. Trevor lived just a short bus ride away since the coffee shop was around the corner from school. Rafael wasn’t sure if they were going to hold hands the entire way to Park Avenue but he made the decision that if he would be Trevor’s boyfriend again, if Trevor would have him, then he was all the way in. It would take a while to get over what happened to him. But Rafael wasn’t going to be able to do that without the kids who’d become his closest friends and the boy he'd grown to love.

***


End file.
